This is the first post of May, I have been locked away in a revision cave. As we had the first of many today, I’m having a break from the flashcards to have chocolate and tea. I also had a break post exam with the girls to discuss what we thought of the exam… see photo above. Tea and chocolate are my go to. Tea single handedly fuels my revision. To be honest it fuels every day life, but consumption triples during exam time. The Queen of Darkness and I keep SilverSpoon in sugar production. Along with my tea and chocolate, I’m listening to my favourite playlist. Unfortunately I’m the type of person that needs to study in silence, I really wish I wasn’t as music lifts my mood so much, but I just can’t find a way to mix the two. Although at the moment it’s making me a bit home sick. My current playlist is full of songs that my Grandparents used on their home videos. I’ve watched them so many times I can tell you where they’re on holiday during which songs. Comforting and wonderful memories, but at the same time wishing I was home. As a side note, FiFi if you’re reading this, please, please can you make a copy of the DVD for me. I can’t find the VHS and it’s breaking my heart.
On the topic of moods, mine aren’t all that great at the moment. Exams are obviously a stressful time, this year it feels more so than ever. I know it’s my own doing but I feel a huge sense of pressure to pass. This year has been the hardest ever, not through academic content. Some of it has been like pulling teeth, especially when you’ve passed some of the subjects easily before and you’re having to redo them. This has without a doubt been the hardest year for my mental health. I have never, ever been on such a huge rollercoaster. So I feel like if I don’t pass now that is all for nothing.
I am fully aware I’m not the only one feeling like this. The subject of mental health is on everyone’s lips at the moment and rightly so. For far too long it has been a taboo in society, to tell others you suffered with something like depression, even to close friends, it wasn’t the done thing. Thankfully times are a changing. Something that is becoming apparent is that no one is alone in suffering in some way, shape or form. With that said, all the support in the World still doesn’t necessarily mean you don’t feel completely alone.
Over Easter I was doing really well, even my nightmares had started to improve, something I could literally not even dream of. So I’m hoping the end of exams will relieve a lot of my stress and general feelings of sadness. It doesn’t help that at the moment I seem to be locked into a cycle of ‘if it can go wrong it will go wrong’. Today for example, when I was in traffic driving to the exam, a works van came round the corner in the opposite direction and lost its load of plumbing materials. Onto my car. And didn’t stop. How I don’t have a broken windscreen I don’t know. As I said, it is one thing after another. Hopefully this is just a blip and as Yazz says: The only was is up!
I’m trying to plan a happy summer so at least I have something to look forward to from the pits of revision. So far, I’m going to see BADBADNOTGOOD with Llama Supporter. If you haven’t heard of them, check them out!
Here’s a link to one of their songs. My extremely talented Llama Supporter also happened to put together the video too. He’s one of those really annoying people that can turn his hand to multiple things effortlessly.
I’ve also decided I’m going to have a Birthday party, I 100% do not want to celebrate my age, but I love a party and thought I should celebrate waving goodbye to my twenties in style. And I’m going to Dirt Quake, if you haven’t heard of it before, then firstly you haven’t been spending enough time with me! But I’ll let you off as I do have a habit of rabbiting on until people zone out. It’s basically a weekend event, in Norfolk, full of motorbike racing. Road bikes on a dirt track. It’s insane and amazing in equal amounts and to top it off, amongst other motorcycle royalty, Guy Martin is going to be there. I managed to stop myself from professing my undying love for him when I met him before, we had a chat about my t-shirt and his dog Nigel, so hopefully I can remain as ‘cool’ this time. I’m also dragging Llama Supporter out of London to come with me, lets hope it doesn’t scar him for life. But that’s it for Summer plans at the moment, hopefully I’ll get the chance to catch up with friends too! If you’ve got any suggestions of good places to go or things to do let me know!
On that note, I better get on, food to cook, flash cards to cry into. Please be kind to one another, no one fully knows what someone else is going through. Even between close friends, some things can seem too much to share.